Why is it so easy to be ourselves as kids, yet even with more life experience, we struggle more to find our true selves as an adult?
It’s only in these past couple of months that it has become more apparent that I haven’t been behaving like the real Heather for a lot of my teen to adulthood. May this have been whether I’ve wanted to fit in with a particular group or just wanted to experiment.
Well, those days are over- I now think I have a pretty vivid memory of being my true self as an authentic child and am now at the point where I feel secure enough to express this after personal development and experiences, which have challenged and pushed my boundaries. Even thinking about how I want my wedding in October, I have the voice of my inner 7-year-old screaming, “I don’t want to wear a dress!” I actually am listening and I do agree with this child like opinion… I mean, it’s my wedding and I shouldn’t have to, right?
For the majority of my life, I have been a Tomboy. I haven’t always come across this way, but those are the kind of things I regret by not expressing my true self and just doing what was expected by others. The only time I’ve ever felt like the real me, is when I’m a Tomboy.
For example: straightening my hair at school because girls said that I should. I was quick to retreat to the safety of male company in my last couple of years at school as they never judged me- they just wanted me to play bass in their band and race them at sports. Boys didn’t give a crap that I didn’t want to wear make-up or style my hair- they accepted me. Something which girls didn’t do so easily and what put me off mixing with girls outside my loyal friends which I already knew and trusted.
Another time I’ve worn things I normally wouldn’t wear or attempted to understand make-up to please someone else, is when I was dating someone whom just wanted me as a little accessory to take with him. This robbed me of my identity and I can honestly admit that I’d forgotten who I was throughout those years. Fortunately a good friend helped me find myself again, but I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I’d remained in a relationship like that… It makes me feel so lucky that now I am with a guy who accepts me whether I’m masculine or feminine. When a person is secure within themself, they are more likely to accept you for who you are.
I feel like, and I know, that my core self consists of an active feral tomboy with an obsession for horses and a keen interest in martial arts and creativity.
I don’t get makeup- at the most I will wear eyeliner (for drama) and maybe some black eye shadow, but most days I just can’t be bothered or don’t understand the need for all these brushes and extra bits!
“I remember feeling like it was just an effort to be interested in lip sticks, pallettes and blushes and the whole time I felt fake- like going into a makeup store and pretending to know what the lady was on about! I felt like I wasn’t talking at my normal speed or tone of voice and this just makes me cringe.”
I hate wearing dresses and if I were to wear one, I never feel right or comfortable. I cringe at pictures from my 21st bithday party where I have a dress and heels (tiny heels) which I really didn’t feel right in and I guess I just felt I had to look “girly” because that’s what girls did on their 21st?! I don’t know. All I can remember is one of my bestest childhood mates turning up in sweat pants and an oversized shirt and being so jealous of her comfort! Viki, I’ve always admired your strong will and that in our childhood friendship, we shared a common love for boys clothes and hatred for dresses 🙂
Speaking of friendships, I’ve grown up with the best and most understanding friends in the world. Even though I’m a tomboy and prefer the company of guys, I’ve got some of the coolest girly friends. I don’t rage against make-up or judge girls who do wear it- I think those who do, do a pretty neat job and it can look amazing- I’m just saying it’s not me and not my style. I can’t make it look amazing and I ain’t comfortable in a dress, where as my girly friends that are into this do look stunning and it just goes with them because they look so secure.
I remember feeling like it was just an effort to be interested in lip sticks, pallettes and blushes and the whole time I felt fake- like going into a makeup store and pretending to know what the lady was on about! I felt like I wasn’t talking at my normal speed or tone of voice and this just makes me cringe. I feel like telling myself, “Heather, why are you even trying to be a girl? You suck at it!”
WHY do we try to be people that we’re not? – it’s just an extra stress we don’t need.
Since being myself I’ve felt so much positivity and even though I’m super busy right now and don’t have time to do everything I want, I’m not feeling the kind of stress I felt while I was hording all those clothes and makeup things I didn’t need and I’m not feeling that extra pressure to BE someone that’s going to impress the world! Because I’m just happy impressing my inner-world.
The people of my inner-world want to see me be feral, be with horses, do martial arts, stay active and creative.
I’ve been so preoccupied in the past and then the future and setting all these huge life goals, I’ve forgotten what’s important to have in my life right now to keep this fire alive. As long as I have those 5 things in my life and a partner whom accepts these things, then I will be OK…
I mean, being a Tomboy doesn’t have to be something you grow out of, right? I can see myself in my 60’s in old shirts and jeans, feeding my chickens and walking out in the fields with my horses 🙂
Thank you for reading – follow my Blog if you are interested in more spontaneous rants 🙂